How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
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