I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
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