you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
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