whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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