Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
