she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
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