i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Randomize
