meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Randomize
