You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
