***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
