Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
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