drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
