if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
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