laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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