I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I would fuck him just for his dog
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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