Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Randomize