I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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