I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
