So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
