ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
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