did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
