i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Let's paint friendship bongs
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
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