It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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