Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
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