Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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