Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
