It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
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