I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Randomize
