I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
