I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
