I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
that may or may not have been my penis.
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