hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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