i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
