I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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