whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
