I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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