Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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