Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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