You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
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