went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
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