I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
