i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
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