my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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