Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
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