Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
We need to get me chipped asap
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
