I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
dude i'm inner monologue high
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
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