Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
