Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
