mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Randomize
