Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
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