I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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