i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I wish there were birth control emojis
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Randomize
