just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
