I seem to have left my pride at pride
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
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