Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
that may or may not have been my penis.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
