found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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