Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
